I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
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Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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