Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
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Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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