I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
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We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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