What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
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So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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