my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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