this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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