help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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