I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
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Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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