Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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