can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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