Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
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Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
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The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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