if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
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And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
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My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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