I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
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So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
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Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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