The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
we're so committed to being not committed
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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