felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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