True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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