I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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