Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
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at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
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I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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