Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
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Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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