Betty ford says i'm here all night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
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Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
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The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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