did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
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I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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