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I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
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