I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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