I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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