so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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