I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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