i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
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Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
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I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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