And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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