all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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