i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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