you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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