yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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