Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
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plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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