I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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