Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
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my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
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I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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