Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
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Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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