Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
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I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
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