just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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