i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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