At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis needs a shock collar
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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