You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
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ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
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They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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