i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
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