My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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