Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
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More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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