I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
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The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
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I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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