Tell her she can't have a vagina
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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