I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
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You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
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Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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