nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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