Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
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You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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