I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
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My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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